Thoughts on a long night.

Have you ever had that feeling of “oh god, I need to get my life together”? I mean, at least within my friends it’s a common incident to tell someone jokingly to get their life together if they make a minute mistake, but especially lately I’ve had a very serious feeling like that toward myself.

I know I’m a youngin’, I have lots of life ahead of me, but I feel an immense impatience to be a real, functioning adult. You know, one who has a REAL job not just scooping ice cream, who has some semblance of routine to their life and not a crazy sleep schedule (though admittedly, for my age my sleep schedule is pretty tame), who can take on and finish responsibilites and not be a flake, all of those numerous attributes that I associate with being an adult.

I’ve realized that there are two distinct pressures on my life; one that comes from school and my parents that emphasizes career strongly and equates being an adult with having a profession and excelling in it. The other is from my Abbey circle of friends and acquaitances that is more emphasizing upon the development of self and having my own convictions and opinions, not conforming to the norm and working with my own talents and reams. I am quite fonder of the latter, but I find the former sucking me in sometimes, and it causes me to lose sight of what my life can be like and get stuck in a rut.

As Joshua has continued talking about the noviciate period of the Abbey and what levels of involvement we’ll all be, I’ve never before felt so strongly that a) I have not reached the levels of what he is asking for, and b) I really, really want to be a part of this at the innermost level. At first I was worried I was being selfish, looking for a cheap place to live and whatnot, but when I thought about it I realized that this is the ONLY place in my life where I get truly challenged. Sure, school is a challenge sometimes but mostly it’s just time consuming. Jobs and friendships can be challenging, but those are usually social issues. The Abbey, however, stretches me to be a better, more functional, evolved person – it doesn’t simply tell me to go get a job, make money, and maybe travel a bit to get the “world changer” complex out of my system.

As I sit here at just before midnight, having just barely finished my Mother’s Day present (no card yet!) and with the slew of homework that was piled on me that is due early this next week on my mind, my internet browser brimming with creative projects I want to get to, a list of Jesus for President-esque books in front of me, and the card of the woman I need to call about setting up an art class for kids staring accusingly at me from my desk, I have never felt so strongly that: I need to get my life together.

I’ve always been proud of being called “mature for my age” or “very adult”, but it’s time for me to step up and make those more than appearances, and instead a reality. I’m convinced deeply that, if I put my mind to it, I can show all the initiative I need and become a real adult. This is a risk, of course. In a month, Josh may look me in the eye and tell me sadly that I should be an associate member of the Abbey, that I’m just not ready to be at the core group. I’m deathly afraid of failure, so this is pretty scary for me. But growing and stretching hurts sometimes, and it’s a risk that I have to take.

I’m going to head to bed for a couple hours. It may not be much, but it’ll help me focus on my tasks for tomorrow. I can do this. Just keep telling myself that.

I can do this.

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