And again

For the first time in almost five years, I am single.

In fact, I’ve been single for a whole 36 hours.

It’s strange; it’s like right after a birthday, when things are different but also not really.

While it’s a clean, healthy break, and I don’t feel anger or bitterness, that means all that’s left is just the sadness. We’ve decided we’d like to still be friends, though I think I’ll need awhile before I see him – I need that definitive closure, the point where one thing ends and another begins.

There’s not a whole lot left to discuss, essentially everything we needed to get out we talked to each other about. Ironically, our most open and honest conversation was the one where we broke up. So that just leaves the hard part: moving on. To be fair, there is the possibility that we may try again at some point, but that would be some time off and, as I mentioned above about closure, for the sake of my emotional health I really have to assume that this is it.

I find myself annoyed that I’m not quite able to do all of the things I would normally do, as if it’s a sign of weakness to move things in my life around at all. Which I know is ridiculous, but I’m not sure where that comes from.

So for now, even though people have told me to stay busy busy busy, I’m trying to keep it all in balance. For instance, yesterday I had to work at both of my jobs, so from the time I woke up to the time I finished my second shift, I did my best to stay busy and not have a whole lot of time to think. But afterward, I let everything be quiet, and allowed myself some time alone. It would really be a shame to, after such a healthy ending, end up with baggage because I never let myself deal with the whole thing.

That is my hard thing for this week: coping with emotional loss, balancing busy-ness with quiet, and thinking about who and what I am apart from a long-term relationship.

I’m as thankful as ever for my support network of family and friends and everything in between, for the kind and wise words that’ve been offered and the knowledge that I have plenty of people around me who care about me.

So in summary: thanks. And I’ll be okay. 🙂

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