The reconstruction

The last couple of months have been a little bit crazy – I won’t even bother to bring back up my New Year’s resolutions for you because I would essentially end up saying the same thing for each one; that I haven’t really been keeping track of how I’ve been doing.

I mean, I’m never particularly good at staying clean and organized, but in the last stretch of my last semester I  dropped the ball on just about everything. Probably the only aspect of my life that I improved on was having a semblance of a social life, which reminds me again that I can do one or two things well but I will never do everything well.

But with the loss of my routines and norms, it gives me a good chance to build them back up now – and college graduation seems like as good a time as any. It’s refreshing to feel like I have a new start, but also daunting as I start thinking about what I want out of life, and how much compatibility I need from my relationships (dating an atheist + living in intentional community = ???).

There’s a rather large part of me that just wants to whine about how I’m 20 and I shouldn’t have to try to figure this out, that I should just get to go out and live my life and not worry about this for another decade or so, Future Rachel be damned.

I can feel myself slipping towards an existential crisis, wondering why I can’t just be “normal” – go get a 40 hour a week job, marry whoever I want, and live in our happy (if consumeristic) bubble and not worry about the poor, the hungry, and the homeless.

The root of a lot of this is that, as awful as it sounds, I’m tired of thinking and tired of caring. I don’t really know what the next step is for me here, but now that I’ve become cynical with the American Dream, torn down my naive initial ideas about living in community, and deconstructed much of my spirituality, all that really remains is to build it back up.

Slowly.

Probably a brick at a time.

I don’t know what that looks like, or even how to start, but it’s all that’s left.

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Oh hey there

Yea, it’s been awhile. I know. All that finishing up the semester stuff’s had me a bit busy and…

Wait. This is the last time I will ever be able to use this excuse. This is kind of monumental.

*ahem* I was busy with school.

Eeek! I will never again get to whine about midterms/finals/bad professors/lots of homework… as freeing as it sounds, and as much as I complained about all that, it was comfortable. I knew the rhythm.

I have a nagging fear that with the free time I will soon be in possession of, I won’t do anything of great use. I like to think that I’m reasonably somewhat kind of responsible, but I also realize that the cycle of semesters and breaks has gotten me into the habit of alternating between seasons of hard work and seasons of extreme rest, and I don’t really know how to exist somewhere in between.

For example, today I worked out at the gym for a couple of hours (hey! I have a gym membership! I’m an Adult!), took an accidental nap, and have spent the remainder of my day goofing off on the web, reading a Terry Pratchett book, and watching Joshua try to get iWeb to work so I can publish the updated Abbey website.

That’s not a whole lot done in the course of a day. And I’ve now been robbed of the “but I’m just a punk college kid” routine. Damn.

Well. I graduate on Saturday – I guess I’ll need to change the name of the blog – head to Ashland next week for a couple of days, and start training for my new job next Friday.

It’s probably too early to be hard on myself for goofing off, and I think I’m going to do my best to enjoy the next week before I have to enter the Real World. Also, it can’t hurt to be a little more relaxed before I meet Adrian’s siblings and he meets my parents at post-graduation festivities. Yes, a little relaxation couldn’t hurt one bit… (my mind may need the rest to be able to divert the conversation if/when my Christian parents start questioning the opinionated atheist boyfriend about religion. Crapnoid.)