The reconstruction

The last couple of months have been a little bit crazy – I won’t even bother to bring back up my New Year’s resolutions for you because I would essentially end up saying the same thing for each one; that I haven’t really been keeping track of how I’ve been doing.

I mean, I’m never particularly good at staying clean and organized, but in the last stretch of my last semester I  dropped the ball on just about everything. Probably the only aspect of my life that I improved on was having a semblance of a social life, which reminds me again that I can do one or two things well but I will never do everything well.

But with the loss of my routines and norms, it gives me a good chance to build them back up now – and college graduation seems like as good a time as any. It’s refreshing to feel like I have a new start, but also daunting as I start thinking about what I want out of life, and how much compatibility I need from my relationships (dating an atheist + living in intentional community = ???).

There’s a rather large part of me that just wants to whine about how I’m 20 and I shouldn’t have to try to figure this out, that I should just get to go out and live my life and not worry about this for another decade or so, Future Rachel be damned.

I can feel myself slipping towards an existential crisis, wondering why I can’t just be “normal” – go get a 40 hour a week job, marry whoever I want, and live in our happy (if consumeristic) bubble and not worry about the poor, the hungry, and the homeless.

The root of a lot of this is that, as awful as it sounds, I’m tired of thinking and tired of caring. I don’t really know what the next step is for me here, but now that I’ve become cynical with the American Dream, torn down my naive initial ideas about living in community, and deconstructed much of my spirituality, all that really remains is to build it back up.

Slowly.

Probably a brick at a time.

I don’t know what that looks like, or even how to start, but it’s all that’s left.

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